൯ Don't Mess With Older People Especially Your Wife

Don't mess with older people and guess what would be the outcome after a quarrel..

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 160kmh, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 110; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(you gonna love this)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

Moral of the story: Don't drink and drive ~  the drunk back seat driver could be even deadlier..

thanks to Saw AL for the inspiration..

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௫ Don't Mess With Older People - Can't Top Those Fighter Pilots

An old Pilot sat down at the Setarbak Kopi and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was,........but I just found out I'm a lesbian".


Hope this brightened up your Monday. Thanks to Dale Borrott.

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௫ DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE ~ $40,000 FUNERAL

Jim died.

His Will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to

her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned

in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church.

The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

How big is it?'

~scroll down~

Thanks to Katherine for the email.

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മ Don't Mess With Old People

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior's Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the "Special" then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK MORE THAN ONCE

Thanks to Stanley Ong for the email

On a related note if you go for a steamboat dinner and have had enough food and cannot eat further would you take back the three eggs 'raw and in the shell' home for tomorrow's breakfast or just leave them on the table, thinking paiseh (shy), messy or cumbersome in case you break any of them in the car ? I would take them home just handle with care.

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൯ Don't Mess With Old People - Part IV

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Bank & Apache Chief - COLLATERAL

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,"What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "I'm here to pay," he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of the money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What I get for collateral?"

This is what we all need to do with all banks who want to keep our money..???

Thanks Robert Yang..

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൯ Don't Mess With Much Older People ~ Part III

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THE ITALIAN ELBOW

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit her.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 .

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left, with you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . .. . You coming empty handed?"

BUONGIORNO - Don't mess with older people..Thanks to Taniah Teh for sharing..

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൯ Don't Mess With Older People ~ Part II

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Indian mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with an Indian girl housemate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's housemate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his housemate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates.'

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read..

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother...........Don't Mess With Older People!!!

There is another version where the mom hid the wooden ladle, anyway would like to thank the original author to come out with this story, be it true or false its great and thanks to Katherine Yong for sharing.

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൯ Don't Mess With Old People

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Apparently this is a True Story (original writer unknown) which I received from an email, thanks to AL Saw. Sounds familar to some? Anyway regardless whether it is true or a joke we leave that to Ripley's, however dear readers please DO NOT try this same or similar tactic on your local police. Different countries have their own sets of law and you might land yourself in huge trouble.

So don't mess with old people. Will be posting part II ~ "Don't Mess With Older People" soon.

Live well, laugh often, love much!!!

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